Monthly Archives: March 2009


I get these weekly emails from that tell me what’s going on with the fetus and how big she is in relation to a fruit or vegetable. I really like learning about when she grows eyelashes and fingernails and what are big milestone weeks for her- but the rest of the email is divided into a few less helpful sections, the last of which is called ‘Belly Laughs.’ Here was today’s edition:

If only you’d known you were going to trade…
• Monthly PMS for nine months of weeping
• Lacy thongs for cotton tents
• Sex for gas
• Zinfandel for Ovaltine
• Birth control for laxatives
• Going to the gym for getting up to pee
• Your waist for a hot-air balloon
• Kickboxing for kick counts
• Your innie for an outie — a way-outie
• Sleeping for groaning
• Freedom for the most intense love you’ve ever known

WTF? If I weren’t already knocked up, reading that would make me totally depressed! Theres a whole category of super whiny pregnancy stuff on the market that I guess is supposed to be funny; but probably only to people that buy those tiny “books” they sell at the cash register at Borders like, “100 reasons my cat is better than a boyfriend.”

Being pregnant is awesome! Yes, there are emotional days, which are totally normal given the hormone storm that occurs to bring your little miracle to this earth but the moods seem as temporary as a toddler’s own tantrums and are usually soothed by a nap, a snack, or a cuddle.

Lacy thongs? Who I look like? I guess if I wore those things I still would- but I didn’t so I just wear the same underwear I have always worn.

Sex for gas? Nope. Having more sex than ever. Okay, having more gas too – but my husband and I are going to have a CHILD together it’s not like he is in one corner of the room holding his nose with one hand while pointing at me asking, “WHO CUT ONE?”

White Zinfindel? Again, who I look like? Some Olive Garden-loving, Corolla-driving, bad highlights from the Lemon Tree nightmare? No. I haven’t given up (good) wine for Ovaltine. Sorry, puritanical America! Do some research on this first.

Birth control for laxatives? Wait what? Birth control would have meant *not* getting pregnant and laxatives aren’t safe when you’re with child. Doy-oy-oy!

Waistline for a hot air balloon? Psst- it’s not hot air. There’s a BABY in there.

Sleeping for groaning? Girl, I wrap my arms and legs around that Snoozer, Mike wraps his arms around me, and off I go on a 10 hour wondertrip to Sleepville Heights, population: me.

Ugh. Sorry. I just hate all that downer crap. What’s the point of bitching about how pregnancy is a pain? It doesn’t help or solve anything, it puts you in a bad headspace and makes you look like a weak, whiny and selfish cow.

Not to sound all yoga teacher but: Celebrate your sexy bump and the new life that awaits you!

(And yes- I have mentioned that I am NOT looking forward to my bellybuton popping out but that is what maximum strength band-aids are for. Also? It goes back- so no big whoop in the end)


Link of the Day!

I’ve seen Pretty Little on more than one blog/online mag but who can resist teensy, eensy little animal shoes? I can’t!

These made-to-order baby booties are crocheted with natural, 100% Merino wool yarn, and felted using original patterns, designs, and techniques.

What else? They’re durable, biodegradable, water-resistant, flame-retardant, and naturally elastic so they won’t constrict the growth of baby’s feet the way hard-soled shoes can.

Check out the whole collection at Pretty Little.

Holly Farrell Paintings

Doll Dresses , 2008, acrylic & oil on masonite, 10 x 8 inches each, $2000.

Available through Garde Rail Gallery, Seattle, WA

The fashionable balloon

It is hard to maintain TOTAL BABE status when you have a LITERAL BABE popping out of your midsection, but this is America and everything is possible. Here are some choices for looking chic even when you feel like a weeble.

These sweaters from the Gap fulfill a few of my ‘mat gear’ requirements: they’re simple- will work until the end of your pregnant life, and probably have a life of their own afterwards.

These J Brand Maternity (yes. really.) jeans are as hot as their non-knocked-up counterparts and feature very inconspicuous triangular elastic panels in the waist/hip area. Provided you don’t gain a lot of thigh weight with your pregnancy, you could keep on wearing these post-babe, have them taken in, or re-sell them on designer preggie fashion site,

Guess what’s hiding under this dress? A fetus! No one would ever guess with all that gathered jazz in the front. Rachel Pally’s dresses make great maternity gear since they’re made of super soft, stretchy jersey. I myself own 2 of them and they are awesome.

So…if you have the money to buy this insane Jean Paul Gautier tunic, might I interest you first in adopting me as your muse and possible future babymill? No? Okay- well then you should still invest in this delicious tunic and have it send me a postcard describing your wonderful life together. *sigh*

Moving on!

American Apparel. Where do I begin? Sure, no one on this site looks old enough to even have sex (except in maybe Thailand or Denmark) let alone procreate- but they have oodles of stretchy cotton gear in tons of shapes and colours that will fit you from the first trimester to the third til you’re your old trampy self again. (I speak purely for myself here)

On the subject of undergarments…

I see a lot of ‘maternity underwear’ online but other than the rapid expansion of raw boob mass, there is no need to buy pregnancy-specific bras and underwear. (Just avoid demi cups as you expand or you will find yourself in double-bubble trouble, for sure) I like to hit up my fave online lingerie haven, and see what’s new in the 36DD+ zone. (hint: yikes) They always have amazing discounts, which is great since you don’t want to spend a lot of money on a bra you will most likely hulk out of in a month or two anyway.

This isn’t a fashion staple, but I consider it a pregnancy must-have. Sure, you’re probably not exposing your midriff to the general public that much – but that’s no reason to let it go. This stuff will keep your baby orb soft, smooth and ripple-free. Also, it smells like Pepperidge Farm Orange Milanos. Yum!

That’s what I got for now. Link of the day later this evening…

Link of the Day!

First of all I’d like to say that I want to remarry my husband every single day. If he were an ‘eau de toilette’ I’d definitely want the perfume version of him.

And now that I’ve said that I’d like to introduce my link of the day- L’Affiche Moderne – a great place to decorate your child’s room while still maintaining your dignity!

Everything seen above comes in 2 sizes- priced at 29 € or 59 € ($40 and $80, respectively) with shipping being an additional 21 € (place a big order! with a friend!)

Then, once you have your awesome, limited edition prints all ze way from France– holler at my fave cheap frame dudes to finish the look!

Third Trimester!

As of Monday, I am 28 weeks! Go us! The wiggler is very active now and likes to do the worm all day and night inside my guts. This doesn’t hurt or anything and most of the time I am just so marveled by it but last night as I was trying to fall asleep and she was attempting to walk on the bed, through my spleen, I was thinking “KATE WIGGLET! Please go to sleep now!”

Now I have just eaten some fruit for breakfast and the sugar has inspired her morning workout. If only it would inspire mine! There is no excuse for my not at least lifting some 5lb weights, except sheer laziness. *sigh*

In other “body news” I am pre-mourning the imminent loss of my bellybutton. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it on here before but the idea that my button will take on the appearance of a giant nipple on the huge breast of my abdomen is the my least favorite aspect of being pregnant. LEAST!! As of now it still hasn’t protruded but the cave-likeness of it is gone. It’s more like a trompe l’oeil of a bellybutton now. Like if I was on Spring Break in South Padre Island and some dude was all “Heeyyyyyy let’s do shots outta this chick’s navel!!!” – well it would take them a very, very, very long time to get monster’ed.

Island Life

I just remembered I never actually posted pictures from or wrote about our ‘Babymoon’ to Antigua!

This was the view from the restaurant closest to our room, Coco’s. Resort food is better than prison food and not quite as good as army food (according to Mike)- but the gorgeous surroundings, beachy smells, and tiny colorful birds that hung out here at breakfast, stealing sugar packets and drinking juice from unattended glasses made hanging around here worth it.

Mike “try to get one of me in the air” above the ‘Adults Only’ pool. Luckily we were usually the only people here and what other people were around were British or Australian and thereby drunk by noon anyway.
When Mike and I hiked into English Harbour one day we found this awesome dock bar with swings! If I had been able to drink I would have LOVED to have many, many rum-based cocktails here while the sun went down.
Also in English Harbour were these awesome yachts. The one on the left is none other than Tom Perkins’ famous Maltese Falcon- the world’s largest privately-owned luxury sailing yacht. It has an onboard submarine, a permanent crew of 18, and, apparently, gino-style running lights. If you are interested in chartering this sexy beast for a week, you can do so for a cool 335,000 euros. Or you can just track it on one of those yacht nerd sites and take pictures of yourself with it in the Caribbean.

Deirdre gave me this “tacky Russian shirt” about 2 months ago and just like the lady in the store promised her, it would conform to fit my pregnancy belly. It did! I told her it went over really well since Russians and West Indies peeps share a similar trashball aesthetic!

And lastly, posing on the terrace of our awesome room on our final day, since it was too cloudy to just lie in a chaise and roast. The weather cleared up and Mike and I were able to cram some last minute water-based activities in. We took a kayak out to this abandoned sailboat, swam in the ocean and had one last dip in the pool.

Can’t wait for future travels with the tiny, shriveled one and her caravan-loads of stuff.